dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
