wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
