I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
