Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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