i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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