Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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