Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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