Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
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