you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
