if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
