end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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