I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
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