Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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