Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
