why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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