btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
