I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
