my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
