Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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