I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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