This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
