Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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