So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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