You smell like stripper and shame
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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