Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
