I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
