I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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