Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
