addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
