so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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