I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
