We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
