Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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