I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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