I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
