Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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