how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
