im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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