the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
