im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
