We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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