i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
