watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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