he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
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Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
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I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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