I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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