You just made me feel so damn special
Will you blow on my dice?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I didn't notice because vodka
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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