i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
