did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
