and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
