Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
