So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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