You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
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I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
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When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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