I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Your topless pictures make me question reality
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Do you remember whose house we're in?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
