Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
