I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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