well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
