I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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